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6729 Topic: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 11, 2013, 22:30:25

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food 
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and 
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."



A Chinaman, a German and a Kiwi are working on a high rise construction site. 
At lunch time, they sat down together and opened their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, if I get dumpling again, I gonna jump off the building". The German looked inside and said, "Mann, if I get Sauerkraut nd Pickle again, I vill jump off zee building too". The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes if I get fush and chups again, I'm gonna jump off this building as well'! The next day at lunchtime, they open their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, DUMPLINGS!!!". He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The German looked inside and said, "Mann, SAUERKRAUT ND PICKLE!!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes, FUSH AND CHUPS!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died.
At the funeral, the Chinamans wife said, "If I know he no like dumplings, I will have make something different". The Germans wife said, "If I know he doesn't like Sauerkraut nd Pickle, I vould have made zompting (something) divferent." Everyone looked at the Kiwi's wife. She said, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch".


The Kiwis have solved their own fuel problems. 
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight [removed]?!"


A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bull[removed]ting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it"


Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney. 
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. 
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair". 
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent." 
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..." 
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?" 
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!





hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 12, 2013, 00:13:02
:)

 


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 12, 2013, 20:42:50
 Oaks please ignore hakwa's propaganda and contribute to this noble thread. I especially call on the Ozzies for some fine contributions!


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 12, 2013, 21:01:24
 Beeno: check out my new avatar, the joke is on Boks :angel:


Beeno1

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RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 12, 2013, 21:28:21
 JW (At any cost) he who laugh last laughs longest.


Just_win

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Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 12, 2013, 21:38:24
Beeno (Aka it's still the refs fault): AB fans are still laughing, lol

Your mate Just_Win (but  fairly of course)


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 07:37:30
Hey beeno those jokes were quite funny.... on the laughter scale probably about a 6.5 now just substitute the word 'kiwi' for 'aussie' and the scale will hit the roof:) 


sebastienchabal

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 887
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 08:25:53

What about Kiwi jokes about Ozzies...there must be much more...the poor Ozzies (and the Irish) must be the subject of many jokes...anyway one must learn to laugh at one's self...it is the making of character. There are those on this forum that fail grossly in this department. My late father used to tell us as children not to get upset when others tease you...we were a family of teasers (as long as it isn't done unkindly). When people tease and banter you it is because they really like you. There is a cruel and nasty type of ridicule of course but you can always with a little bit of intelligence pick up the tone. Those type of teasers you can only feel pity for as they are small and disturbed elements of warped upbringing. Thank God for sound parents who taught humour...lolz. Anyway A girl

 

Those you cannot are so much smaller and poorer in the long road of living life to the fullest.

 

A girl lives in the county of Suffolk...the land of humour in the British Isles...the late Carl Giles, one of the greatest humourists of all times but sometimes he's so serious...lolz...some posters deliberately bait you because maybe they really like you and can predict your answer...take Old Maaik for example. If only you and Clean Cut can make restitution and clean up your language.


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 09:58:25
 Please Seb no philosophy lectures on humour etc. All I am asking for is some decent jokes about kiwis. 

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says," In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

How aboiut this fine ozzie joke:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"


How do you get a Kiwi into a small business

Put him in a big one and wait


Beeno1

Status: Hall Of Fame
Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:04:21
 Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Kiwi.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please”. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?” asks one perplexed Kiwi. “Watch and you’ll see”, answers a Aussie.

When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets please”!!


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:06:52
Beeno: I told the first joke to my wife, she almost died laughing. Great joke!!


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:10:58
 JW my good friend all good jokes are on the kiwis for some reason.rolling laughter (#9)


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:24:27
Beeno: Every time you post an image of yourself you are lying on you back having some type of fit. Time to get some exercise Beeno: Jumping Jacks animated emoticon


Beeno1

Status: Hall Of Fame
Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:34:39
 JW just be thankful I am not postring all those sheep type jokes as one tries to keep the tone above the low water mark established by unclean cut and rooitwit - vulgar oaks of the most base type.


sebastienchabal

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 887
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 10:47:33

Good ones Beeno but it's Cloudy's turn...

 

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:01:15
Hahahahahahaha sebastien......hang on while I pick myself up off the floor lol 


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:03:37
Beeno good jokes but can you make them shorter like Sebastian's .....it's like a flippin novel. 


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:11:06
Cloudy when it comes to kiwi jokes the longer the better! 


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:22:10
 Long live the hahahahahake



Beeno1

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RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:23:20
 


Cloudy

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Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:23:29
Just get to the punch line beeno dear before my attention wanes :)


hakwa

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Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:26:41
 


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:27:37
Good one hakwa......keeping it real:) 


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:28:33
 There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that effing Kiwi in the head again.


Beeno1

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Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:30:59
 
Short enough for you Cloudy?
Did you hear about the kiwi that walked into the pub with a pig under his arm?

The barman says " Bugger me mate, where'd you get that?

The pig reply's " Down at Centrelink mate, there's thousands of the [removed]s "


hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:31:40
 ok Beeno, your jokes are very funny, see me smiling



Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:36:34
Wow even got the dark green font beeno.....hmmm 6.5 maybe a 7 lol 
I've heard that train one before but you sure it was a kiwi?  I heard it was a maori slapping an aussie lol


Cloudy

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Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:38:06
Hahaha hakwa you're a crackup....now THAT is funny :) 


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:40:57
Beeno: the joke with the picture of the kiwi is great, lol


Beeno1

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RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:49:30
For some real reason there seem to be a lot of jokes re kiwis around!! Hahahahahahahaha



hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:54:22
 why is Beeno being so mean?

 


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 12:56:53
An Englishman a kiwi and a saffa escape from the penetentiary.  The corrective officer comes after them so the Englishman climbs a tree.  The officer hears him and the Englishman goes 'tweet tweet'.  The officer thinks oh it's just a bird and moves on.  The kiwi climbs a tree, the officer hears him and the kiwi goes 'hoot hoot'.  The officer thinks oh it's just an owl.  The saffa climbs a tree and the officer hears him....the saffa panics (think Ellis Park) and the saffa goes ' mooooooo'.


Just_win

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Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 13:07:18
Cloudy: :) Could the rotund sloth Africans climb a tree? ;) lol


Cloudy

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Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 13:09:31
That's a thought justwin maybe he ate all the pies in jail lol 


Beeno1

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RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 13:49:44
Oaks could we please stick to the theme of the thread and not wander into petty triffles.
Thanks


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 17:25:59

Not an Ozzie joke about the RWC champion's but you might like it anyway:


Tiff with Riley:

'My God! What happened to you?' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

'I got in a tiff with Riley.'

'Riley? He's just a wee fellow,' the barkeep said, surprised. 'He must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' Kelly said. 'A shovel it was.'

'Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'

'Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.' Kelly said. 'And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 13, 2013, 23:44:34
 Why do Saffa and Ozzie council workers get only half an hour for lunch ?
Any longer and you have to re-train them !


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 00:44:13

 A Maori bloke is stumbling along the beach one Saturday morning after a night on the piss and trips over a lamp half buried in the sand.

The lamp breaks and out pops a genie. The genie says, "My fair child, you have free'd me after 1000's of years trapped in that lamp. For you son, I grant you three wishes! What'd they be boy?"

 

The Maori boy still amazed at what is happening, looks up at the Genie and says, "Chur bro, you taking da piss? I can have anything I want?"

 

The Genie says, "Yes son, go on, what'd they be? Remember, you only have 3 so choose wisely!"

 

The Maori boy ponders for a second, looks into the distance at a yacht sailing on the water and says, "I would love me a boat like that one brother!"

The Genie waves his wand and in an instant, POOF!! The yacht appears!!

"Woah, chur bro!" comes the response.

 

"What'd be your second wish young man?" says the Genie.

Casting his eyes to the top of the hill where he sees a $15mil mansion sitting on the edge of a cliff, the boy says, "Can I get me a house just like that one on the cliff bro?"

POOF, the smoke clears the air and there sits a beautiful mansion belonging to the young boy.

 

"Your final wish boy. Make it quick, I must move on!" says the Genie.

At that instant a goodlooking white man comes walking along the beach with 3 gorgeous blondes in tail. One can almost sense the feeling of envy extracting from the Maori boy.

 

"For my final wish Genie, I wish to be like that white dude over there with all those bootiful gurls hey bro!" POOF..Wish is granted. The Maori boy stands in his new body.. POOF...POOF..goes the Genie's wand again and there no longer sits a house on the hill or boat on the water!

 

"Hey Genie bro. Where is my house and boat!!" asks the angry boy.

"Well son," starts the Genie. "You asked me to be a white man. Now that you are white, you have to work for these things!"


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 01:44:05
 How can you tell when a Saffa is on the level with you ?
When he drools out both sides of his mouth at once !


black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 02:38:42
 Looks like the dumb blonde is telling racist jokes. The litmus test being could you tell it at the pub without getting your head kicked in? I'd say not.


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 03:04:26

 Ha ha told to me by a Maori friend..No word of a lie. He does have an awesome sense of humour.

 

Something you Black Adder would not. You need a pretty witty and decent brain first..You fail miserably.

 

I will tell that joke to your face all day long buddy!


black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 04:27:50

 Like i said go down the pub and film it . That would be REAL funny.

Always having a go at the Maoris but you would'nt even get past the Chur bro part with all your teeth if it were Maoris you did'nt know.

 I don't think you've even met a real Maori have you ? As noone refers to Maoris as blacks except you.

 According to you Maoris are only good for making tea.

 Thats pretty damning evidence right there.

Face it boklogic you're a racist but being blonde probably means you're too dumb to see it.

 

 

Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1061
RE: Rugby no longer what it was. Ban kiwi refs!
July 15, 2013, 22:01:23

Puss-e, at least I have a boss. You wouldn't even get a kiwi to employ u. Besides, I have never made tea in my life. We have maori's here to do that ;-)


 

 

 

 

 

Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1061
RE: fear me
September 24, 2012, 05:02:33

Ha ha racist?? Far from it buddy. As a man who has lived in SA for 22 years and living in NZL the past 3 years, I can safely say that the blacks and whites in SA get on a lot better than blacks (maori's) and whites in NZL.

 

 

Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1061
RE: A question to the kiwis
October 12, 2012, 03:27:08

 

There is of course many variations to the haka. That is largely due to the fact that kiwi's are always inventing new ways to be dumb and show it..You fella's show it constantly on this site. Nothing better than to stick your tongue out, widen your eyes and make noise to show your intelligence. How does the saying go..empty vessels... The wide eyes is a treat. We can see right into the space where a brain should be ;-) That my friends, is what we call...BOOM!!!



black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 04:39:03

 Might be time for you to head to Aussie i think luv as it looks like you've got some serious explaining to do.

How about writing us another essay and have it on my desk by the morning .

 

 

nukefreekiwi

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 244
RE: Rugby no longer what it was. Ban kiwi refs!
July 15, 2013, 11:44:29

  "I still believe he should be banned merely for being kiwi"

 

Finaly we get to the root of the matter and small[removed]s racist agenda has been exposed.  Banning someone for an attribute they have no control over....ie skin colour, birth place, parentage etc is a bigoted ideology with direct parallels with South Africa's nefarious history. Oh well, I always knew small[removed] was a red neck yokel with a disturbingly offensive agenda. but 



Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 05:18:15

 Did you enjoy the joke though Black Adder or should I call you Adder. Dont want to be seen as racist now...

 

I am sorry that anything longer than 5 sentences comes across as an essay to you but you are just a dumb [removed] Adder.. Thats the long and the short of it. You shouted your mouth off and I put you in your place. I would have also stopped reading if I were you!


redsman

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1021
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 05:19:39
 Obviously the kiwis don't like the jokes about their loved ones.... aka sheep... hahaha lol


black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 05:55:22

 Like i said only racists would find that funny. Maoris are the hardest working people you'll meet. Run circles around you any day.  They're also sought after in Australia for their work ethic.

Your attitude towards maori just shows what a misfit you are in NZ so a good time to fk off somewhere else before you get too comfortable. How about you go and live with your bumbchum Redsman in Brisbane.


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 06:51:32
Hey black adder would not worry too much about what they say.   There is always a reason to pick a fight and redneck he's just a little maggot who has no idea what team he supports and had nothing good to say about kiwis.  And one thing you will never see....and that's a bunch of Maoris donning Bok jerseys and cheering for the Boks in Auckland.  Even at Ellis Park I saw blacks supporting the ABS and the saffas around them  were not happy.  They still got so many problems there when Mandela dies the country will fall apart.


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 06:54:44
 What do you call an Aussie with 2000 wives ?
A shepherd !


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 07:00:27
 Hey cloudy ! too true that .....Far out even I support the wallies [ what halfwit aka red-neck calls their own team the " wobbles " ?] more than dumbarse there who cant even be botherd going to watch them play and who has to rely on the Poms to get his jollies ? sad very sad 
What do you call 64 blokes in green and gold watching the 2011 RWC grand final on TV ?
Springboks and Wallabies !


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 07:44:50
Well the thread started out ok wardad....you know me I'm always up for a good joke but beeno said no sheep jokes.....so what is the first joke? Right....a sheep joke (beeno very disappointing but I cracked a smile albeit a 6.5 one) and now it's racism and we all know that black and white and sheep just do not mix well together lol and furthermore I absolutely cringe whenever I see or hear the c....word.  That word has to be the most offensive to women everywhere, nothing to do with race.   Oh well like pooinbum said when you mix it with the big boys.......he must mean the ones that ate all the pies:)


Beeno1

Status: Hall Of Fame
Posts: 12032
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 08:14:31
Here in SA we have a number of van der merwe jokes. One has to be mature to deal with jokes about ones own group and the Afrikaners are. 
I saw a site with a whole lot of moari jokes but good taste said let it be as some were demeaning. 
Jokes are no good when some body gets mortally offended and there is always some risk.

Warped dud you are skating on thin ice mate re sheep jokes! 
sheep kiwi joke


Lets leave it at that as ou maaaikie would say!



sebastienchabal

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 887
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 08:48:43
 

How do you like my avatar...Ozzie Army.

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan." 


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 08:52:41
 Good one Seb ;)!!


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 09:48:36
Lol beeno.....MORTALLY offended??  These jokes are not worth dying over whooaaa but some of them are funny sooooo funny.  Those sheep leave a message ' be baaaa..ck soon?'

@sebastien Ive heard that joke before and it's a classic!  BTW love the avatar, very clever :)


hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 10:34:49
the real comedian is who one who can get you to laugh about yourself! So far, all I've seen are Beeno and Boklogic asking for someone to punch them in the face and I am being kind - these are jokes are in very poor taste and LOOK we haven't started to reply yet.





hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 10:38:54
 John, I am doing my best to keep you in the game but you are not helping yourself





Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 11:22:20
No Hakwa, u got that wrong. That was John talking to Bryce. He said, "don't worry Bryce. This will be your last game as a ref and the world will forever remember u and this World Cup as a flop!"

How right was John!


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 11:36:11

No bocklogic. This picture is evidence of something else entirely.

 

The caption should read "the bribe that failed". Bryce is saying: "Look John, that makes twice you have tried to buy me off (see he is holding up two fingers). Just play the game mate!"

 

Could this be evidence that Beeno was looking for, is he really a visionary and astute observer of human nature? I leave it for you to decide :angel:

 

 


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 11:53:06
 Poor wee Beenodasaffa was in school once again desperately trying to get teachers attention to answer the questions teacher put to class " what is a 4 letter word ending in .unt that good girls often become ?" nooo Beenodasaffa  ! its Aunt !! you fool of a boy ! 
And so poor Beenodasaffa  sat there disconsolate cos he didnt know jack ,and idly eating some blackball lollies he bought to school when suddenly the bag ripped and blackballs rolled all over the floor !
" Whos got blackballs ! " shouted the teacher "Please miss please " yelled Beenodasaffa waving his arm in the air " Sammy Davis Junior has Blackballs !"


hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 11:59:47
 


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 12:19:02
 Hakwa ,now that is indeed the last laugh !
Mr Chabal that avatar is just sooo wrong I tell you ! As a former digger I can put you straight right now , Aussie Army uses Merino's !


Just_win

Status: Rugby Legend
Posts: 6035
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 12:23:41
Yup, Wardad: they indeed had the last laugh :)


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 12:29:20
 Hey Just-Win Bro , what do you call 32 little weeny men in yellow ? 
Wallabies with all the bull-[removed] kicked outta them ! [ missed piggy eyes so make that 33 !] 


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 21:13:14

 @ never_wins, I think old Bryce should have taken that "bribe" from Johnny boy hey. Maybe that way he would have kept his job, been allowed back in SA and the world would not know him as a dirty Kiwi cheat.

 

Suppose Australia is closer than SA for him to holiday in and after his shambles in the Aus v Ireland game, had Aussies lost again, he might have been banned from there. He had to make a choice. The logical one would have been to be a man of honour and integrity but he is kiwi afterall so there was never any chance of that!


hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 21:37:19
 need any lemons with that Boklogic?


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 14, 2013, 23:40:59

 No mate. The man lost his job and it was a poor reflection on NZL and their refs were again exposed to the world as cheats.

That offered some consolation!


black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 00:25:02

Hakwa that was the little dumb blonde joke.


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 01:27:58

 Another senseless and irrelevant contribution by our friend Black Adder but...

 


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 02:09:04
 Far out whiney saffas and their "Oh we wuz cheated " bull[removed] is a huuuge joke in itself ! Brycey should never have apologised for having a poor game after all every ref does ,but his apology was wasted on ungracious saffas who blame everyone except themselves .


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 03:36:37

 Every ref has a poor game? So Bryce had 2 in as many games. Firstly Aus v Ireland and SA v AUS. Is it coincidence that the 2 biggest and most talked about upsets in the tournament were reffed by Bryce Lawrence..You reckon just an off day hey..For 160 minutes he was off??

 

I dont buy the bull[removed] of ref's having an off day. Players have an off day where nothing goes right for them. Conditions and preparation play a part in this but the rules of rugby never change. Offside will always be offsides. Hands in rucks and knock ons will always be that. Ref's need only 1 thing to do their job. Eyes! They would not be refs if they were not fit enough, didnt know the rules and never had a whistle. Their only requirement that can not be taught is their eyes!

 

There is no way possible that a ref can make that many mistakes with his own eyes and not be cheating.

Hell Wardad, your word means nothing right now, the rest of the world, including Aussies, questioned this game!

 

Ha ha having a poor game's se [removed]! A poor decision here and there, fine! A poor call everytime a team looks like scoring...Come on..John Smit is not one to show emotion regarding a ref and he slammed Bryce! It was that poor. Bryce listened to nothing John said!

 

Brycy can take his apology and stick it up his ass. It was not a mistake so how about an admission then apology. Better yet, go stand in Loftus and apologise to the fans you robbed there you cowardly piece of [removed]!


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 04:12:51
To be fair, a ref only has one pair of eyes and they are not expected to see everything on the field otherwise there would be no need for the other officials who run up and down the sidelines nor would we have need of a TMO.  I really have to wonder sometimes where are the eyes of those who are supposed to be there to help the ref?  They don't seem to have a problem helping him to send players off when the old arm goes out with the flag, so why can't they see all the other things that go wrong?  The poor ref cops a lot and those other dufuses on the sidelines never get called out or lose their jobs.  Maybe we should stick a whistle in their mouths too.


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 05:00:53
 Yeah Cloudy u are right, more can be done to help the refs not to miss calls ala Steve Walsh in the 2007 super 14 final but Bryce has no excuse here. He was making the calls but they were always against SA every bit of momentum we got. We were dominating the Aussies yet we were getting hammered by Bryce.

He had no problems with his eyes and making calls, he was just cheating that's it. I mean u don't get fired and have the whole rugby world questioning u when you miss a few calls!


black adder

Status: Baby Bok
Posts: 190
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 05:31:18
 


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 05:59:31
 Cheating my arse ,refs only cheat when it suits you eh? if its wayne barnes its " oh harden up " and other rubbish ,tell just what would he have to gain ? Utter rubbish if the useless Morne steyne had done the one thing he is supposed to be good at you wouldnt be whining about the ref .
Bryce wasnt a cheat and even Richie Maccaw hasnt labeled barnes a cheat so get over it [ Bryce didnt even get an all expenses paid SARU holiday out of it unlike barnes .}
Dont recall any kiwi refs running up to an ABS captain to shake his hand and congratulate him on a "wonderful try Sir ! " 
heck even Dannie Craven was ashamed at your refs blatant cheating " we didnt need to cheat to win !!!" 


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 06:18:59
Unless you can prove without a doubt that refs are cheats then you would have to concede that like everyone, they just have bad days.  I think it was a knee jerk reaction to fire him but that's what happens when people want blood.  And I would feel that way about any ref regardless of nationality.  I mean who in this day of modern rugby would want to be a ref?  One of their credentials would have to be a thick skin.  They have worked just as hard to get where they are, it doesn't make any sense that they would have wasted all those years doing the hard yards just to cheat.  I don't believe any ref is a cheat, I believe they make mistakes, but I don't believe they trained themselves to cheat.  That's just my opinion for what it's worth.


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 06:52:28
Wardad, where is Barnes today? Where is Lawrence? Need I say more! 


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 06:55:11
I agree with you on the why would a ref cheat cloudy ,they have to face a panel of their peers nowadays who conduct a thorough review of every test . In the last couple of years even guys like barnes have pulled their bloody socks up because of the scrutiny ,and I still reckon Poite doesnt deserve the vitriol for one bad call gimme a break facebook ? Far out that is just some sooky [removed] right there .
Only a bok fan could take a thread on jokes and turn it into a whiny lil' gurly man whinge-o-rama !


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 11:01:56
Imagine if the French had been successful on FB in having Joubert sacked because everyone (well not everyone) but most Frenchies and everyone who hates the ABS, imagine if they had him sacked over that one game in the WC, we would have lost the world's best ref.  talk  about refs making botched up calls...what about the IRB?  No one seems to hold them accountable for their ineptness.  In fact, lets start right there.  They need a good shake up maybe they need to fire the whole bunch of them and get the Swedish women's rugby club to run it.  Oh maybe not......they're all blondes lol


Wardad

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1727
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 15, 2013, 12:11:36
 Oh and bonklogic Barnes was DEMOTED from reffing test rugby for quite some time , gee I wonder why ? Was it his excellent on field performance ? was it his skiting to the touchies in a London wine bar about how "I put the ABS out of the WC " cos his beloved lions got pantsed ?


Boklogic

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1971
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 16, 2013, 21:02:03

 Wardad I am not interested in hearsay. Were you in the pub? Don't believe everything you read!

 

All Blacks were beaten (by a forward pass) but it was just one of those things. One [removed] call. All Blacks will put 6 or 7 tries on the French every other year but a world cup finals game. Why is that? They choke against them and show them too much respect. It was no one but the AB's fault they never scored more points.

 

 Bryce cheated all game. SA were 5m's out a handful of times and every time the attacking team is penalised when Po[removed] has his hands all over it. You can not tell me Bryce thought all of that was legal. You really dont have a case. If Barnes was ever stood down, it would be caused by the outcry of Kiwi's wanting a result. They would have investigated and reinstated Barnes. Not the case with Bryce. He is [removed]ed!


redsman

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1021
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 17, 2013, 05:10:52

Yep there's no doubt at all that Bryce is a 100% certified cheat - but it wasn't just limited to the rigged RWC 2011... he'd been practicing his dark arts for years......... anyway lets talk more recent history -

 

HOW ABOUT THAT AMERICAS CUP CHOKE????

 

 

hahhahaah funny as................... $100mil CHOKE.............. idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That could have bought a lot of fush and chups for the sheep..........................

 

 


Cloudy

Status: Senior player
Posts: 3421
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 17, 2013, 09:55:21
Redneck.......why don't you put your finger in your ear and spell R E D backwards....
 


hakwa

Status: Senior player
Posts: 2499
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 17, 2013, 09:57:56
 

Nec minit




bluebok

Status: Bok regular
Posts: 1225
RE: Some good Ozzie jokes about kiwis
October 17, 2013, 10:22:53
Why are there more sheep in Australia than there are in New Zealand? Cos they'd rather be f***ed than eaten!


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