18 SURE-FIRE WAYS TO IMPROVE THE LIONS' SUPER 15 PERFORMANCE
July 03, 2012, 17:52:57
18 SURE-FIRE WAYS GUARANTEED TO IMPROVE THE LIONS' PERFORMANCE IN THE SUPER 15
by Riaan van der Merwe
- During the game boost individual player confidence by announcing every 60 seconds a “Man of the Minute”, instead of the usual “Man of the Match”
- Refrain from washing players’ jerseys throughout the entire season. This would discourage physical contact from opposing teams, thereby providing Lions players with an open road to the tryline.
- To ensure maximum stadium capacity and fan support Lions fans are no longer allowed to leave the stadium during halftime.
- To inspire team unity and enthusiasm the Lions get a visit from Madiba before every match.
- Players who can lift and hold their fellow teammates behind their backs like Beast Mtawarira are automatically given a place in the starting line-up.
- In an attempt to avoid yellow or red cards referees will be encouraged to reprimand Lions players with such colourful phrases as “Boetie, stop nou jou k*k!”.
- New Zealand Super 15 teams will be asked to perform the Haka before each game. This would upgrade the Super 15 match to that of test-match status, thus ensuring the Lions’ patriotic commitment to win for their country.
- To promote aggression on the field the wives of Lions players will be encouraged to cheat on their husbands.
- Hire Hollywood special effects teams to digitally swop the team jerseys for the post-match TV analysis. This would give the Lions the illusion that THEY were the winning side, thereby boosting the team’s overall confidence and morale.
- Spread rumours of a possible “Kamp Staaldraad’, should the team lose their next match.
- Players are no longer allowed to use the toilet prior to the start of a match. Instead, to relieve themselves they must use the width and length of the field during the opening stages of the game. Management should inform players that “this is how real lions mark their territory”.
- Promote homosexuality among players. This would enable Lions tacklers to hold onto their opponents for a longer period of time.
- Prevent penalties by printing the laws of the game on the backs of the players’ jerseys.
- Players should make an attempt to distract the pink Bulls forwards with such daring phrases as “My sister has the same outfit in her closet!”
- To avoid player distraction Lions cheerleaders will only be allowed into the stadium once the game has finished.
- The Lions must adopt a biblical approach by following Josh Strauss’ example: lots of hair on the head and face equals Samson-like strength.
- Management should prevent quality Lions players from moving to other franchises. Make a big deal out of “Why would any player ever want to leave Johannesburg, the safest city in the world!”
- Use scare tactics: inform the Lions that if they should end up at the bottom of the 2012 Super 15 log, they will be replaced by the Southern Kings in 2013. Oh, wait…